Title: The Day in the Life of a Pizza Cat
Original Author: Claudia Nimmich
Short: New Wave Services
Original Author: Unknown
MiSTing Author: Jesse Shearer
Era: Nonstandard
[Scene opens to animated version of set from "Horkfest" {ie. an old-looking
movie theater}. JESSE is standing near a claw game.]
JESSE: Well, folks, thought I'd give this thing another shot to see what
would happen. I also rented a few arcade games to put in here to see if I
could attract a few other folks to come on in and join the fun. Anyway,
this claw game over here came first. Everything seemed normal when I took
it out of the box and moved it over by the electric outlet. Then I plugged
the thing in and this whole "Phantom Tollboth" thing started up on me. Not
really sure what'll happen next...
[Samuri Pizza Cats Speedy Service and Guido Anchovi run in and take cover
behind concession stand.]
JESSE: Ah, OK. I'm gonna check this out. Let's take a one-minute break,
OK?
[Commercial: Gateway Computers founder Ted Waitt talks to his cow in the
attic]
[Back to animated theater scene. Speedy and Guido have been coaxed out into
the open.]
JESSE: Well. It turns out these two fellas are the male leads from some old
Saban-style anime show called "Samuri Pizza Cats" that aired through the Fox
network a few years back. [looks over at guests] So, why not tell us who you
are and why you're here?
SPEEDY: I'm Speedy Service, pronounced "sir-vee-chay", leader of the Samuri
Pizza Cats.
GUIDO: And I'm Guido Anchovi, the super-sexy sidekick.
JESSE: Nice to meet you both. [Shakes hands] And why are you here?
SPEEDY: Our friends Polly and Lucille are upset at us again.
GUIDO: They threatened to beat us up unless we went shopping with them
today. Can we hide here for awhile?
SPEEDY: Yeah, can we? Can we? Huh?
JESSE: Well, about how long will it take for them to give up the search?
SPEEDY: They'll never completely give up, but they'll go back to primarily
shopping in about ten minutes.
JESSE: Ah. OK. I have the perfect short that should throw them off your
trail. It's an infomercial called "New Wave Services." Grab a few snacks
from behind the counter there and meet me in the theater.
[Double doors open; JESSE, SPEEDY and GUIDO enter and sit in same order.]
SPEEDY: Who ever would have thought that learning things would save us?
GUIDO: Yeah.
>Subj: New Wave Services
SPEEDY: I *am* pretty new wave, at that...
JESSE: I think that's actually pronouced the way its spelled, as in computer
repair.
>Date: 10/9/01 7:09:51 PM Central Daylight Time
>From: imhppy@china.com
>
>
>
>
>
> New Wave Services
JESSE:[singing to tune of "Mr. White Keys" by Cherry Poppin' Daddies] Made a
fortune sending spam using New Wave Services! He's Mr. Spam Guy.
>SOME INFORMATION ABOUT OUR COMPANY:
>
>New Wave Services only distributes legal credit repair information and
>financial business programs to thousands of individuals all over the United
>States.
GUIDO: What if we're in some other country?
> In doing so, we have developed a work-at-home program for
>individuals interested in the opportunity of earning an extra $500.00 to
>$1,500.00 per week working directly from the comforts of their own home,
>dorm or apartment. Our work-at-home program is an honest opportunity for
>you to earn a serious extra income without having to sacrifice a lot of
>your free time.
SPEEDY: Assuming you have no life.
JESSE: Like me.
> All of the work that you will be doing is very simple and can
>be done from your desk or right at your kitchen table. As a home worker,
>you can work full or part time whenever you have the free time, mornings,
>afternoons or evenings.
JESSE: Fourty hours a week at that? I don't think I could stand it.
GUIDO: Full time is fourty hours a week?
JESSE: Around here, yeah.
> In addition, there is absolutely no
>experience necessary for you to participate in our program. Our
>work-at-home program is perfect for individuals interested in earning a
>serious extra income to help pay off of their bills! That's right! If you
>have car payments, rent, mortgage payments, credit card bills, loan
>payments, etc...this is an excellent opportunity for you to supplement your
>existing income and start putting some extra money in your pocket! If you
>are interested, the following information will help to further explain the
>very profitable work-at-home program that we have to offer you.
SPEEDY: Excluding taxes, of course.
GUIDO: You've been hanging around Francine again, haven't you?
>
>PROGRAM DESCRIPTION:
>
>Our program simply involves the folding and processing of pamphlets. YOU
>WILL RECEIVE A FULL $1.00 FOR EACH AND EVERY PAMPHLET THAT YOU >PROCESS!
JESSE:[Dennis the Menace] Wow! A whole dollar!
SPEEDY: I had a dollar once...
GUDO: Man, that was a fun weekend.
> What do we mean by process? It's simple...
>
>FIRST: You will neatly fold the provided preprinted single-sided (8 1/2 by
>11 inch) pamphlets into thirds [The pamphlet that you will be processing
>will be provided to you and will be printed on regular 20 lb. (8-1/2 by 11)
>inch paper.
>
JESSE:[sings passage to tune of "Flying Saucer" by Brave Combo] First, you
fold the prepreprinted pamphlets into thirds on their regular paper...
>SECOND: You will neatly insert the folded pamphlets into the pre-addressed,
>postage paid envelopes [These envelopes will be sent directly to your home,
>dorm or apartment with customers' names and addresses already printed on
>the envelopes along with postage already affixed to the envelopes].
>
SPEEDY:[sings passage to tune of "Flying Saucer"] Then you neatly insert
them into the pre-addressed envelopes...
>THIRD: Lick and seal these envelopes and then send them out, directly to
>the customers.
>
GUIDO:[same as above] Third, you lick and seal them up and send them out...
ALL:[continue singing] I wanna see my dollar, I wanna see my dollar. Sent
as a check or money order or even as cash, I wanna see my dollar!
>It's that simple! You DO NOT have to pay any postage costs to send out
>these pamphlets. The pre-addressed, postage paid envelopes will be sent
>directly to your home, dorm or apartment. You simply fold the pamphlets,
>insert them in the envelopes and send them right out! Remember, all of the
>processing work can easily be done at your desk or right at your kitchen
>table! IMPORTANT: We do provide you with the actual pamphlet that you will
>be processing which is a sales pamphlet for our Credit Repair Manual. Our
>Credit Repair Manual is a best-selling financial product that many people
>are ordering and using to legally clear up their negative credit.
JESSE: Notice the emphasis on this being legal, guys?
>
> And since the demand for our Credit Repair Manual
>is so OVERWHELMING, you will have the opportunity to process as many
>pamphlets as your schedule can handle! You can process 100...500...1,000 or
>even 1,500 pamphlets per week, week after week, month after month, year
>after year ...
JESSE: That may be pushing it a bit, there.
>
>for as long as you wish to participate!
>
SPEEDY:[spam author] Or at least untill our own credit goes bad.
>HOW MUCH MONEY CAN YOU EARN?
>
>YOU WILL RECEIVE A FULL $1.00 FOR EACH AND EVERY PAMPHLET THAT >YOU
>PROCESS!
JESSE:[spam author] YOU WILL BE ON THE ROAD TO BIG BUCKS!
SPEEDY: Well, I suppose it could happen.
JESSE: That's not quite what I meant.
SPEEDY: Well, you could.
JESSE:[holds hands a distance apart] I meant... Oh, never mind.
>If you process 500 pamphlets you will receive a full $500.00..If you
>process 1,000 pamphlets you will receive a full $1,000.00...if you process
>1,500 pamphlets you will receive a full $1,500.00...Etc!
SPEEDY:[half excited] Oh, I get it now! Big bucks...
>
> What's even better about our program is that you NEVER have to worry
>about the sale of our Credit Repair Manual in order to receive your $1.00
>per pamphlet.
JESSE: Well, techicnically, you don't, anyway. If the maual doesn't sell,
the company has no money to pay you with.
>
> Our program DOES NOT WORK ON COMMISSION! You will receive
>a FULL $1.00 for each and every pamphlet that you process REGARDLESS if any
>sales are made! Even if you process 1,500 pamphlets and no sales are made,
>you will still earn A FULL $1,500.00! It's simple, process 1,500 pamphlets,
>and receive A FULL $1,500.00 for your time and effort! Processing payments
>and additional processing materials will continue to arrive at your home,
>dorm or apartment for as long as you wish to continue participating in the
>program!
GUIDO: How will they know when to pay us?
>
> That's right, you can always have money coming in
>week after week because processing payments and additional processing
>materials will continue to arrive at your home, dorm or apartment for as
>long as you wish to participate! Honestly, there is NO GUESSWORK.
JESSE:[Bill Clinton] That all depends on what the meaning of "guesswork"
is...
>
> Our program has been around for several years and is very
>successful!
>
SPEEDY: That depends on how they determine success.
GUIDO: Yeah.
>FACT: Even working slowly, you could still earn a MUCH BETTER weekly income
>than most regular 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM jobs!
>
>THERE IS NO EXPERIENCE REQUIRED TO PARTICIPATE IN OUR PROGRAM:
>
JESSE: In fact, the less you have, the more suited to the program you are.
GUIDO: Kinda like our narrator's job.
>Anyone, young or old, male or female, anywhere in the United States can
>easily earn great money participating in our Pamphlet Processing Program!
>The reason why our program does not require any experience is simple...it
>does not take any previous experience to fold a pamphlet, insert it into an
>envelope, and seal an envelope.
SPEEDY: Really? You suppose that's how the narrator gets all his money?
> Plus, our program is
>especially beneficial for people who need to earn a serious extra income
>but might not have the spare time for a second job.
JESSE: Right, no time for a second job but all the time in the world to fold
enough pamphlets to make it worthwhile.
> As stated, just a few hours
>per day could possibly earn you well over $500.00 per week... NO JOKE! Just
>imagine
GUIDO:[singing] ...all the people...
>
> how nice it would be if you could
>earn an extra $500.00 to $1,500.00 per week working from your home...no
>more annoying boss...no more hectic rush hour commuting...no more stressful
>9 to 5 job...and no more headaches! FACT: Practically every type of person
>can benefit financially from our Pamphlet Processing Program.
JESSE: Jail time can be a real character builder.
> IMPORTANT: The information contained in
>our Credit Repair Manual is 100% Legal and Legitimate! In fact, there are
>hundreds of lawyers and attorneys all over the country using this valuable
>information and charging people big money to remove negative and incorrect
>items from their credit files!
GUIDO: Does that make it legitimate?
> However, our Credit Repair Manual explains how
>people can do the VERY SAME THING that these costly attorneys are doing
>except our credit repair manual shows people how to repair their credit
>FAST, EASY and for FREE without having to hire an attorney!
JESSE: Even though they probably should.
>
>Now is the time,
JESSE: For all good men...
GUIDO:[interrupts] ...and women...
JESSE:[resumes] ...to serve their country.
>
> there are TENS-OF-MILLIONS of Americans with bad
>credit that would probably love to receive our Credit Repair Manual!
>Therefore, if you are serious about devoting a few hours per week towards
>the opportunity of earning an honest extra income, our $1.00 Pamphlet
>Processing Program is PERFECT FOR YOU!
>
>IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE:
>
JESSE: You're an idiot with no money.
SPEEDY: You have our jobs.
GUIDO: You'll be Little Tokyo's next big villian.
>We will send you a Starter's Kit containing the instructions necessary for
>you to begin participating IMMEDIATELY in our Pamphlet Processing Program!
GUIDO: Even though we've just told you all of them here.
JESSE: You guys seem to be getting the hang of this.
>Plus, your Starters Kit also contains your very own copy of Credit Repair
>Manual! That's right you can use our best-selling manual to legally clear
>up and repair any negative credit that you may have!
JESSE: They also miss minor editing errors with it.
>
>This manual is included for becoming a member of our Pamphlet Processing
>Program! Therefore, to get started immediately, all that our company
>requires is a one-time refundable order-processing fee of only $45. Please
>understand, we cannot afford to send out a package of valuable materials to
>everyone interested in our program.
SPEEDY: Also understand that this is where our real money comes from.
> And also keep in mind that once you process 100 pamphlets
>you will have already earned your $45 back and are left with an extra $55
>profit!!! We must charge a small processing fee to ensure that only serious
>individuals intend to participate in our program. Keep in mind, you NEVER
>have to pay us any other fees and you can participate for as long as you
>wish!
JESSE:[singing to tune of "In Heaven, There is No Beer" by Brave Combo] Our
program has just one fee...
SPEEDY and GUIDO:[same] One fee!
JESSE:[singing] Untill we make up more...
> This fee simply assures our company that you are indeed serious
>about our program and the opportunity to make good money working from your
>home. Sorry, we CAN NOT process your order form without the one-time
>processing fee since
GUIDO: ...it's our best way of taking people's money.
> there are far too many serious individuals willing to pay
>this small one-time fee in order to participate in our high profit
>work-at-home program. Therefore, all you have to do is just complete,
>print, sign, and send in the Order Form (FORM AHG-743: 19.S).
SPEEDY: What about the processing fee?
>
> Please, be sure to complete the Order Form IN FULL, legible, with your
>correct shipping address in order to prevent any processing delays in the
>shipment of your package. That's right, if you are really looking for a
>100% LEGAL and LEGITIMATE home based income opportunity we can honestly say
>that you have finally found the right company with an honest and proven
>money making program!
>
JESSE: And I can honestly say that's one of the most honest and proven
senseless statement I've seen in spam so far.
>
>P.S. KNOW A FRIEND WHO MIGHT BE INTERESTED?
>PRINT A COPY FOR ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
>NOTE: ALL ORDERS FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY
>MUST BE ACCOMPANIED WITH THE PROCESSING FEE.
>FOR EACH FRIEND OR FAMILY ORDER, DEDUCT $10 FROM
>YOUR ORDER AS A BONUS. PRINT, COMPLETE AND MAIL
>IN THE ORDER FROM BELOW!
>
JESSE:[stands up and makes typical college footbal-fan hand gestures] DO IT
NOW, FOOL!
>
>
>
>Please mail in the order form only. Print below this line only!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
> - PROCESSING DEPARTMENT -
> New Wave Services
> 17328 Ventura Blvd # 244 - 5662
> Encino, CA 91316
>
>
>
>
> - HOMEWORKER ORDER FORM -
>
> * FORM AHG-743: 19.A (USE 2000-2001) *
>
SPEEDY: Isn't that a bit many?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>[Provide us with the correct mailing address to ship your starter's kit,
>and PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY]
>
JESSE: Sorry. My printer never does anything clearly.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>FIRSTNAME:_______________________
JESSE: Londo
SPEEDY: Seymore
GUIDO: Fred
>
>LASTNAME:_______________________
>
JESSE: MacKedzie
SPEEDY: Cheese
GUIDO: Um...
>ADDRESS:___________________________________________APT.#:________
JESSE: Haven't had time to make one up yet.
SPEEDY: What's Emperor Fred's address?
GUIDO: Little Tokyo, for sure...
>
>CITY:_______________________________STATE:_________ZIPCODE__________
>
>DAY PHONE:(____)_______-_______ EVENING PHONE #:(____)______-_______
>
>BIRTHDATE:__/__/__ EMAIL ADDRESS___________________________
JESSE:[Babylon 5 computer] Not available.
>
>SIGNATURE_________________________________TODAY'S DATE___/___/___
>
>
>YES, I would like the opportunity to earn extra money working right from
>the comfort of my home or apartment participating in the Pamphlet
>Processing Program. I understand that my starter's kit will contain the
>instructions necessary to get me started IMMEDIATELY as a member of the
>Pamphlet Processing Program! I also understand that my Starter's Kit will
>contain my very own copy of the CREDIT REPAIR MANUAL!
JESSE:[dumber sounding than usual] To hold and cuddle and to name George...
>
> I understand that I can use the CREDIT REPAIR MANUAL to legally
>clear up and repair any negative credit that I might have! I understand
>that this material is provided to me for becoming a member of the Pamphlet
>Processing Program! I also understand that I will be free to set my own
>hours and participate in the program either part-time or full-time. I do
>understand that a small refundable fee of $45 is a ONE-TIME FEE ONLY! I
>will not have to pay New Wave Services any other fees, EVER!
SPEEDY: There's gotta be more, I'm sure.
>IMPORTANT: Since we DO NOT want to create any unnecessary competition
>between our existing members we do reserve the right to stop accepting new
>members if our quota is met. Therefore, if you are serious about this
>income opportunity we do suggest that you send in you completed form
>IMMEDIATELY that will GUARANTEE the delivery of your Starter's Kit!
>
>DESIRED WEEKLY INCOME 100 300 500 700 800 900 1000 1100 1200 1300 1400
> >1500 (circle one)
>
JESSE: Which "one" do I circle up there? I see eight.
>IMPORTANT: $50.00 ENCLOSED [$45 + $5 Postage and Handling]
>
SPEEDY: See? I knew there was more
>MONEY ORDERS AND CHECKS MUST BE PAYABLE TO:
>
> New Wave Services
>
>IMPORTANT: PLEASE ALLOW 2-4 WEEKS PROCESSING TIME FOR ORDERS >PLACED WITH
>CHECKS. ORDERS PLACED BY MONEY ORDER OR CASH >ALLOW 10 BUSINESS DAYS
>DELIVERY TIME.
>
GUIDO: REMINDER: DO NOT SEND CASH THROUGH THE MAIL.
>WHERE DID YOU SEE OUR COMPANY ADVERTISEMENT?
>
>NEWSPAPER____RECYCLER____MAIL____EMAIL____OTHER____
>
>
JESSE: Other
CATS: Strange movie theater
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>This is a one time mailing. To be removed from our database. Reply with
>"REMOVE" in >the subject line.
JESSE: Just be sure to.
GUIDO: Spell it correctly.
>Please allow 48-72 hours for removal.
>
SPEEDY: List selling time.
JESSE: And that's that. Let's head out!
VOICE:[from lobby, screaming] Speedy! Guido! I know you two are in there!
GUIDO: Lucille's found us.
SPEEDY: Polly's probably with her.
JESSE: Should we stay here for awhile longer?
CATS: YES!
>
>
>
>
>----------------------- Headers --------------------------------
SPEEDY: Really hurt when you do them.
GUIDO: Or take one.
>Return-Path: <imhppy@china.com>
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ALL:[singing] Imhppy birthday to you; imhppy birthday to you...
>Subject: New Wave Services
SPEEDY: I still say that it refers to *me*!
>Date: Tue, 09 Oct 2001 15:04:19 -0700
>X-Sender: imhppy@china.com
>X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Pro Version 4.1
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
>X-Priority: 3
>X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
>Message-ID: <GKYO9J00.KEO@hpsec.kurnia.com.my>
JESSE: Hear `em out there?
SPEEDY: No...
GUIDO: Me either.
LUCILLE:[from lobby] Don't make me send Polly in after you!
JESSE: Can they be bribed?
GUIDO: That depends. What do you have for them?
JESSE: I'm not quite sure...
LUCILLE:[from lobby] Do you hear me?
JESSE: We'll just have to find out.
[All exit theater through double doors]
[Lobby]
SPEEDY:[half supprized] Oh, hi, Polly. Lucille.
GUIDO: Were you calling us earlier? We didn't quite hear it if you were.
POLLY: Yes. We were calling you. Now we're going to beat the catnip...
JESSE:[interrupting] Hey, you two must be the young ladies my friends here
told me about. It's a pleasure to meet you both.
LUCILLE: And who the heck are you, buddy?
JESSE: I'm the leasee here. The name's Jesse Shearer.
POLLY: OK. What were you doing helping these two peabrains hide from us?
JESSE: They wanted to take you to a movie later and came in to see what's
showing.
[POLLY approaches JESSE with claws extended. JESSE backs off untill he hits
the counter behind him]
POLLY:[threatning] That is such an obvious lie!
JESSE:[nervous] Before you claw my eyes out, ah... um...[jumps behind
counter and looks through glass top] Would you like a chocolate bar? [pulls
out a chocolate bar that is about a half inch thick and fully a foot long]
POLLY: Wow! OK! [takes bar]
JESSE:[pulls another similar one from counter] And one for your other lovely
friend as well.
LUCILLE:[takes bar] Why, thank you!
POLLY: Since we're all here now anyway, what's showing?
JESSE: Well, we already watched the infomercial about folding pamphlets for
a buck apiece. [SPEEDY and GUIDO sneak behind counter and stand up] That
leaves us with the feature. It's called "The Day in the Life of the Pizza
Cats". You may like it, from what I remember from my initial screening.
The author, Claudia Nimmich, seems nice enough as well.
LUCILLE: When can we start?
JESSE: Whenever you're all ready.
GUIDO:[leering and grinning at POLLY] So, beautiful, how about we share that
chocolate?
[POLLY jumps over counter and starts beating up GUIDO. A few seconds later,
the others jump in.]
JESSE: This looks like it could take awhile. We'd better take a short
br...[gets pulled into fight]
[commercials for SURVIVOR: AFRICA and ENTERPRIZE]
[Theater. LUCILLE leades, followed by JESSE, SPEEDY and GUIDO, with POLLY
bringing up the rear. The males appear to have bandages and crutches on.]
JESSE: I guess my horoscope *did* say that there was a good chance of
beautiful women hitting on me today...
LUCILLE: We're sorry.
JESSE: That's alright. I kinda like agressive women more anyway.
>The day in the life of a Pizza CatA day in the life of a pizza cat
GUIDO and POLLY: Double Double
>NARRIATOR: Over time, The Pizza Cat bussiness had sky-rockted ever since
>Polly came up with a new type of pizza that was a big hit. We start off our
>story with Speedy's alarm clock going off at 6am. Speedy, awakened by the
>beeping noise threw the clock against the wall and it broke.
JESSE: Who *hasn't* been tempted to do that?
> He
>then fell back asleep which was a bad idea.
>
>6:00AM
>
>FRANCINE: Speedy! Get your sorry butt out of bed now or will I have to let
>the dogs out again?!
JESSE and GUIDO:[singing] Who let the dogs out?!
POLLY: Do that again and I'll hurt the both of you!
> (Polly was sitting on a chair laughing at what
>Fran said.)
>
>6:10AM
>
>FRANCINE: I thought I told you to get up! Guido is even up before you! That
>is it! I'm releasing the dogs!
>
JESSE and GUIDO:[singing] Who let the dogs out?!
[POLLY smacks GUIDO and stands up to smack JESSE]
GUIDO: Ouch!
JESSE:[two seconds later] Ow! My eye!
>GUIDO: The dogs will be to nice to him. Send Polly on him. He will never
>sleep in again.
>
SPEEDY: After the bandages come off, anyway.
>FRANCINE: That is true. All right! You better get up soon or Polly will
>come in there and beat the catnip out of you!
>
>6:25AM
>
>NARRIATOR: Speedy walked in ready for work.
>
JESSE: Well, good for him.
>SPEEDY: Smells good Polly! (he walked into the kitchen) What is for
>breakfast?
>
>POLLY: This isn't breakfast. This is the food for the dogs. (she put it in
>a bowl and put the bowl in the backyard)
>
JESSE:[leans over to LUCILLE] Why is she feeding the dogs oatmeal?
LUCILLE: It's her thing.
>GUIDO: Speedy is right though. For once there is a plesent smell in here
>and not the stuff you make, sweety. (he started to laugh and that got Polly
>mad)
GUIDO: Usually I prefer coffee in the morning.
>
>6:45AM
>
>NARRIATOR: Guido just got done getting the catnip kicked out of him.
>
>GUIDO:
GUIDO:[BOBO of MST3K fame] Ow! My spine! Ow!
> Call me a chiropracter please.
>
>FRANCINE: You're a chiropracter.
>
JESSE:[imitates a rimshot]
>GUIDO: Thanks.
>
>SPEEDY: Well, since you spent the past 20 minutes beating Guido up. What
>are we having for breakfast?
>
>POLLY: Since you liked the dog food so much you can have it for breakfast!
>Here! (she threw a plate with brown stuff on it at him and he caught it,
>then looked at it)
>
>SPEEDY:
SPEEDY:[story self] That had better be dog food...
> I'm sorry. I rather take my chances with your food. (he
>threw it in the trashcan)
>
>POLLY: You are going to be in serious pain!
>
SPEEDY:[story self] You mean I'm *not* now?
>7:00AM
>
>NARRIATOR: Polly spent those 15 minutes beating up Speedy Francine and
>Guido
JESSE: That must have been *some* fight.
>decided to get some cereal since Polly was busy.
>
JESSE: Oh, ok.
>FRANCINE: Next thing you know she will be beating up the B-Team.
>
>GUIDO: To late for that. Genneral Catton and Bat Cat got beat up good and
>the other two will be next.
>
SPEEDY: Heck, she's even gone on to beating up standers by.
POLLY: What happened here was an *ACCIDENT*.
JESSE: I forgive you.
>7:30AM
>
>NARRIATOR: The pizza shop opened and Guido was complaining about his foot
>hurting him so he and Polly switched places for the day. Polly wasn't to
>happy about that but she wouldn't argue with Francine espically since she
>is responsible for there pay.
>
POLLY: Where pay?
SPEEDY: Good question.
[LUCILLE elbows JESSE in the ribs]
JESSE: Hey! What was that for?
LUCILLE: I thought you were Speedy.
>COUSTOMER: Hey sweet thing! Can I get you to go? (she jumped kicked him)
>
>POLLY: Say that to me one more time and you will never live to see your
>pathetic life again! Is that clear?
>
>COUSTOMER: Very clear. (he got up and staggered out)
>
GUIDO: And that is this week's lesson on "How *NOT* to hit on someone."
>GUIDO: Someone is touchy today.
>
JESSE: At least she's not feely as well.
[LUCILLE elbows JESSE in ribs harder than before]
JESSE:[in pain] I deserved that...
>FRANCINE: This is nothing. One time she threw a coustomer through the
>window and over the horizon for calling her a babe. (Speedy came up to get
>some more orders)
>
>SPEEDY: Who are these for?
>
>GUIDO: The person we hate the most.
>
>SPEEDY: Jim Carrey?
>
SPEEDY:[Ace Ventura] Well, all righty then!
>GUIDO: The other one.
>
>SPEEDY: Marylin Manson?
>
GUIDO:[singing] I wanna...
JESSE: Say it and *I'll* smack you!
>GUIDO: No! It starts with an S.
>
JESSE:[Speedy] Stanley Tweedle?
>SPEEDY: Oh. Stephen Spielberg.
>
>GUIDO: No! It is Seymore you idiot! Get going or I will have Francine dock
>your pay! (he ran out the door)
>
>FRANCINE: You have been spending way to much time around Polly.
JESSE: I see no problem with that unless...
GUIDO: Uh, we're not like that...
>
> You are starting to act like her.
>
>GUIDO: It isn't my fault I have known her for most of my life.
>
>8:30AM
>
>NARRIATOR: The breakfast brunch cleared out and it was deserted except for
>one coustomer. None of them had seen him around before so they figured he
>must be new.
>
SPEEDY: Not necessarily. We *occasionally* get busy.
>POLLY: Well, it is 8:30. You know what that means?
>
LUCILLE: We're late for class?
>GUIDO: I get to call someone first! (he ran to the phone and dialed a
>number out of blue. He held the phone so they both could hear what the
>person was saying on the other end. A girl picked up)
>
>PERSON: Hello?
>
>GUIDO: Yes. (he said mimicking Kasey Kassim) You have won a free trip!
>
GUIDO:[Kasey Kassim] Thanks for listening to Rock, Roll and Remember...
>PERSON: Really? Where? (Polly got on and spoke in a sexy voice)
>
>POLLY: With me on a deserted island.
>
>PERSON: I'm sorry. I'm not like that. (the girl on the other end hung up
>followed by Guido and Polly who were laughing)
JESSE: I'll take it, if you're still offering.
POLLY: I'm not.
JESSE: Drat!
>
>GUIDO: Nice job pumpkin! (they dialed another number)
>
>SPEEDY: Everyday they do the same thing. Prank call strangers. (the
>misterious stranger got up and pushed the dial that made the phone hang up)
>
>POLLY: What did you do that for?
>
>STRANGER: Cause I can. (he walked out the door)
>
GUIDO: Causing a can.
>FRANCINE: I don't think he finds prank calling funny.
>
>GUIDO: But it is funny!
>
>SPEEDY: Fran and I think it is getting old.
>
>FRANCINE: It has been old for the past 3 months.
>
JESSE:[mechanical sounding] We are the Borg...
>9:00AM
>
>NARRIATOR: The pizza shop was still empty except for a couple who was
>sitting at a table in the back corner.
>
>SPEEDY: That same couple comes in here at the same time everyday.
>
>FRANCINE: I think it is romantic. Sitting at the same table everyday.
>
>SPEEDY: I find it repulsive.
LUCILLE: Needless to say what it does to the seats.
> (Polly and Guido came up
>to them)
>
>POLLY: If you really want to see replusive, go look in a mirror.
JESSE: It takes one to know one.
[LUCILLE elbows JESSE in the ribs again.]
JESSE:[strained] Did it again...
>
>GUIDO: That will be hard since he keeps breaking them everytime he looks
>into one. (they both started laughing)
>
>SPEEDY: That isn't funny. I think I'm going to give the couple there order
>now. (he ran off)
>
>FRANCINE: You guys sure are in a silly mood today.
>
>POLLY: I know. It is probably from the coffee we had this mourning.
>
POLLY: Oh yes, and we also added three cups of sugar to the pot...
>FRANCINE: Since when do you guys drink coffee?
>
>GUIDO: Ever since you started making us get up at 6 in the mourning. I'm
>telling you Polly. It's trorture.
>
>POLLY: That is for sure honey.
JESSE:[holds up a small box] No, these are Junior Mints.
>
>FRANCINE: O-kay! You guys are getting on my last nerve! If you don't stop
>it, I'm going to... (the phone rang and she picked it up. Guido stood next
>to her) Hello! Pizza Cats Pizza! Can I help you?
>PERSON: Yea. Can I have two pizzas to be delivered please.
>
>GUIDO: I don't know. Can you?
JESSE: Wait. Why is Guido taking the call when Francine answered the phone?
>
>PERSON: Nevermind. Some people are so rude! (the person hung up and Guido
>started laughing)
>
>FRANCINE: What did you do that for?
>
>GUIDO: She used inproper English.
>
LUCILLE:[Francine] No, I was asking why you took the phone from me like
that.
>FRANCINE: Will you go away and bug someone else! (she kicked him and he hit
>the wall next to Polly who was laughing at the whole incident)
JESSE: Hopefully, that was in the chest.
>
>POLLY: Serves you right. (she looked down at him)
>
>GUIDO: Just shut up darling.
>
>POLLY: Like I'm going to listen to you, cupcake. (she then kicked him and
>he hit the other wall)
>
>10:00AM
>
>NARRIATOR: The bussiness started to pick up like it always does at this
>time. You are probably wondering what is with the nicknames that Polly and
>Guido call each other,
JESSE: OK, sorta.
> well, they lost a bet badly and have to say that
>stuff for two weeks. Today was there first day since they lost the bet last
>night. You can say that they have to act like they are going out.
LUCILLE, JESSE and SPEEDY: They have to act like they are going out.
> A
>little bit anyway.
JESSE: Isn't that kinda like being a little bit on fire?
>FRANCINE: Wow! Business is starting to pick up like it always does at this
>time!
>
>SPEEDY: Good repeting job Fran.
>
>FRANCINE: Thanks.
>
GUIDO: Now go for the three-peat!
>11:00AM
>
POLLY: My, that was a quick hour.
>NARRIATOR: The shop closes at this time for two hours so the workers can
>get a lunch break before they open again.
>
JESSE:What's up with that? Is it some sort of tradition or something?
LUCILLE: Yes, actually, it is.
>POLLY: Well, I will be back in two hours. I'm going shopping with Lucieal.
>
>SPEEDY: Can Guido and I come with you guys? (Lucieal walked into the shop)
>
>POLLY: Why do you guys want to go shopping with us? And I will not accept
>"because we want to flirt with Lucieal".
JESSE: Yeah! That's my job!
LUCILLE: What? No it's not!
JESSE: What's wrong with my flirting with a pretty girl?
POLLY: I think he likes you! [giggles a little bit]
> So, why are
>you guys comming now?
>
>GUIDO: Nevermind then. I don't want to go dear.
>
>POLLY: I figured you wouldn't after I said that. Precious.
>
>LUCIEAL: Well Speedy, why do you want to go?
>
>SPEEDY:
SPEEDY:[story self] Why would I *not* want to go?
> Just to do something besides sit around.
>
>LUCIEAL: Of course you can come then. This will be fun!
>
>POLLY: Fine. Come on! We are wasting precious shopping time! See you guys
>later! (they walked out the door)
>
>11:15AM
>
>NARRIATOR: Our friends just arrived at the mall. Boy, I hate this fanfic. I
>barely say anything.
>
>SPEEDY: What do you guys need to get at the mall anyway?
>
JESSE:[Babylon 5 character Kosh] Atmosphere.
>POLLY: I need to get some new outfits.
>
>LUCIEAL: Same here.
>
>SPEEDY: But you already have over 100 in your closet?
>
GUIDO: Isn't that a statement.
>POLLY: You went and snopped around in my room. Didn't you?
>
>SPEEDY: No. I never did that.
>
>LUCIEAL: Then how do you know how many outfits she has?
>
>SPEEDY: Oh yea. (a stupid grin crossed his face)
>
JESSE:[Beavis and Butt-head] Boing!
>POLLY: Just what I thought!
>
>11:30AM
>
>NARRIATOR: Polly decided not to hit him since Lucieal convinced her that
>she didn't have any proof.
GUIDO:[Narriator] Apparently she hadn't seen him.
> They were standing in a store which
>was having a clearence sale. Speedy waited outside for the girls to return.
>
>SPEEDY: Is this ever boring. I would have had more fun twidiling my thumbs
>then this. (he saw a sign in a window that caught his eye)
SPEEDY: It really hurt, too.
>
>NARRIATOR: Of course the sign was in Japannase since this is an "Anime"
>cartoon show/fanfic
>
>SPEEDY: Enter now and you could win a dinner for two. ( he read out loud,a
>sly grin crossed his face) Why not. I have nothing to loose. (he filled out
>a form and when he was done, Polly and Lucieal came out of the store with a
>bunch of bags)
>
>POLLY: Speedy! Get over here now and help us! (he ran up to them and Polly
>gave him all her bags and Lucieal did the same thing)
>
JESSE:[bends empty plastic bottle]
SPEEDY:[story self] AH! My back!
>BOTH: Thanks Speedy! (he could barely walk because of the weight)
>
>SPEEDY: No problem.
>
SPEEDY: That reminds me. I'm all out of junk food. Can we go out and get
some more?
JESSE: Sure.
[All exit theater]
[Lobby. Emporer Fred is sitting on the floor near the claw game being his
usual self. The others don't notice untill he speaks. SPEEDY, GUIDO, and
JESSE are all well again.]
JESSE: So, is everyone enjoying the story?
GUIDO: Yeah!
POLLY: I am!
SPEEDY: Me too.
JESSE: How about you, Lucille?
LUCILLE:[shyly] I like it.
FRED:[boistrously] Fred Fred FRED!
[All look towards claw game, startled.]
JESSE: Who's the guy?
SPEEDY: It's Emporer Fred. What's he doing here?
POLLY: Here's a better question. Where's Princess Vi?
[Princess Violet comes rushing in.]
VIOLET: DADDY! There you are! I thought I told you not to go running
off... [sees others] Oh. Hello, Pizza Cats. Sir.
JESSE: And who are you, miss?
VIOLET: I am Violet, Princess of Little Tokyo. Who are you, sir?
JESSE: Jesse Shearer, theater leasee.
POLLY:[to Violet] What are you two doing here?
VIOLET: Daddy wanted to play some arcade games and get some dinner. He must
have come here by mistake.
JESSE: Quite alright. So far, the only game that's come is the claw game
here. But there *is* a great arcade down the mall a bit, and I hear the
restaraunt across the way here is really good.
SPEEDY: Or you could come to the movie with us.
[Seymore enters unnoticed]
VIOLET: That would be nice. When does it start?
GUIDO: We're already about halfway through, I think.
VIOLET:[angry] You started a movie without me? I should send you all to
Prisoner Island!
SEYMORE: Can I have the lease to this place if you do?
[All are again startled. Speedy pulls his sword]
JESSE: Hey, now. Put that hittin' stick away untill we find out what he's
here for. [to SEYMORE] Let's have it, noseboy.
SEYMORE: I wanna have a movie theater so I can make enough money to finally
do in the Pizza Cats.
POLLY: That's not going to happen.
GUIDO: Not anytime soon, anyway.
JESSE: Well, I will consider giving him the place if he can pull off a few
stunts for me.
SEYMORE: What's the first?
[JESSE brings SEYMORE around the counter and they approach what looks like a
cotton candy spinning machine]
JESSE: First on my "Don't Anybody Dare Try This At Home Or I'll Have To Hurt
You" list is seeing how long you can keep your bare hands in this box.
SEYMORE: OK. How hard can that be? [sticks his hands in the box]
[JESSE flips a switch on the side. SEYMORE begins to scream and wail a few
seconds later. JESSE shuts the machine back off and gets SEYMORE's hands
out. SEYMORE has a big wad of blue cotton candy on his hands]
SEYMORE: Are you CRAZY? That really hurt!
JESSE: I'm sure I did. And no, I'm not normally crazy. That's why it's
called my "Don't Anybody Dare Try This At Home Or I'll Have To Hurt You"
list.
FRED: Fred Fred FRED! [jumps in and starts eating the candy on SEYMORE's
hands]
LUCILLE: Woah!
JESSE: Somebody get him offa there!
[A second of chaos before a commertial]
[commercial for Windows XP]
[All enter theater in same order as before]
JESSE: Fred's not always like that, I hope.
POLLY: Oh, let's just watch the movie.
>1:15PM
>
>NARRIATOR: Our three shoppers got back late becasue it was taking Speedy
>forever.
SPEEDY: I wonder why?
> He had just dropped off Lucieal's bags and as soon as he
>walked through the door of the pizza shop, he dropped Polly's bags on the
>floor and collapased.
>
JESSE: Must have been one too many bags of bricks in that load.
>FRANCINE: What took you guys so long?
>
>POLLY: Speedy here was taking forever to carry or shopping bags. (she
>looked down at Speedy's body laying on the floor) Poor kid. I guess 50 bags
>was too heavy for him.
>
POLLY:[giggles]
>SPEEDY: Are you ever right.
>
SPEEDY: Those bags of rocks get heavy after the first five miles.
>FRANCINE: Come on you two! We are getting really packed right now. (Polly
>was going up to the cash register to take her place but Guido was there)
>
>GUIDO: Remeber? My foot was bothering me this mourning and we traded
>places. (she stepped on his foot)
>
JESSE:[blows up paper bag and pops it]
>POLLY: Now it is! (Guido started hopping around and she took her place
>behind the register) Now darling. What are you supposed to do?
>
>GUIDO:
GUIDO:[story self] Get some ice for my foot.
Wait on tables my little brownie. (he hopped over to a
table)
>
>POLLY: Why did we ever make that bet Fran? Calling each other these cute
>little mushy nicknames is disgusting.
LUCILLE: I'm rather enjoying it.
>
>FRANCINE: Hey! It wasn't my idea for the three of you to go off in the
>middle of the night and play poker against some stranger.
>
>POLLY: That stranger was Lucieal.
LUCILLE: I knew there was a reason I'm enjoying it.
>
> She and Speedy were one team, >Guido and I were another team.
>(Guido came up)
>
>GUIDO: As much as I hate to interupt this little gossip time but remeber?
>You have coustomers lining up.
>
>FRANCINE: Oh god!
JESSE: Yes?
> I forgot! (she and Polly started
>to work again.
>
JESSE: Well, I know where *I'm* going for lunch from now on.
>3:00PM
>
>NARRIATOR: Bussiness was starting to slow down again and wouldn't pick up
>till dinner time at 5. Speedy went out to check the mail.
>
>SPEEDY: This is probably more fan mail for Polly. (he took out a big stack
>of mail)
LUCILLE: And further injured his spine.
>
>3:03PM
>
>NARRIATOR: 3 minutes passed and Speedy took the mail inside and started to
>go through it. The four of them each had their own little box where their
>mail went.
POLLY: So that's what's been happening to all my mail.
>
>SPEEDY: Hmmmm...5 letters for Polly, 1 for Fran, 10 for Guido, another 15
>for Polly, 12 more for Fran, and I can't believe it! One letter for me!
>(Polly was watching him)
JESSE: She was getting really turned on.
[LUCILLE elbows JESSE in the ribs again]
JESSE: Sorry.
>
>POLLY: I can't believe it! For the first time since this whole show started
>you actually got some mail! Hey guys come see this! (they rushed in)
>
>GUIDO: What is it my little butter cup? Boy! The writer needs to get a
>life. Boy are these nicknames stupid.
LUCILLE: Let's see you do better!
POLLY: Yeah!
>
>SPEEDY: I got a letter!
>
>FRANCINE: Open it!
>
SPEEDY:[story self] Make me!
>POLLY AND GUIDO: It is probably junk mail. (Francine turned around and
>faced them)
>
>FRANCINE: Will you two shut up!
POLLY and GUIDO: No?
>
>SPEEDY: Hey! I won the contest that I entered at the mall!
>
>FRANCINE: What did ya win?
>
GUIDO:[Francine] How much can we sell it for?
>SPEEDY: A dinner for two at a romantic resturaunt! (Polly grabbed the
>letter from his hand)
>
>POLLY: Wow! You really did win it! So, who are you taking to dinner
>tonight?
>
>SPEEDY: I don't know. I didn't think about that.
JESSE:[Speedy] Hey, Guido!
[SPEEDY elbows JESSE in the ribs]
JESSE: Ow! Don't you start, too, buddy!
>
> (Guido snatched it from Polly)
>
>GUIDO: Boy! Aren't you lucky! I wish I had won this! (Speedy snatched it
>back from him)
LUCILLE: By this time it was ripped to shreds.
>
>SPEEDY: Too bad! It is mine!
>
>FRANCINE: So tell us! Who are you taking?
>
>POLLY AND GUIDO: Yea! Tell us!
ALL BUT SPEEDY:[chanting] Tell them... Tell them... Tell them...
SPEEDY: Stop that!
>
>SPEEDY: Well...one thing though. Will you two stop talking in unison!
>
>POLLY AND GUIDO: Sorry!
>
>FRANCINE: Ignore them. They are just doing it to get on your nerves.
>
>POLLY AND GUIDO: Whatever! (they looked at each other) Will you stop it?! I
>didn't start it you did! Will you cut this out!
>
>SPEEDY: This will take a while.
JESSE: I'm afraid it already has taken awhile.
> Anyway, I'm
>taking...(he whispered it into Fran's ear)
>
>FRANCINE:
JESSE:[Francine] Speedy! I didn't know you felt that way...
> Won't she be happy to hear that!
>
>4:00PM
>
>NARRIATOR: Polly and Guido were trying to stop talking in unison but it
>wasn't working. Boy! The writers are getting worse each day!
POLLY: Oh, this really isn't so bad.
>
>5:00PM
>
GUIDO: Four o'clock must have been another quick hour.
>NARRIATOR: Polly and Guido were still at it so Francine did what she should
>have done before!
>
JESSE: Get naked?
[LUCILLE smacks JESSE in the head]
JESSE: That smarts! But at least it was my head this time.
>FRANCINE: Shut up! Boy are you guys getting on my nerves! Get out of here
>now and don't come back till you stop talking in unison!
>
>GUIDO AND POLLY: Sorry. (they looked at each other again) I thought I told
>you to stop it?!
>
>SPEEDY: Wait a second! Hey Polly! Are you free tonight?
>
>POLLY:
POLLY: [story self] That depends...
> Yes I am. Why?
>
>SPEEDY: How would you like to come with me out to dinner tonight?
>
>POLLY: I would like that. (Francine jumped in the air)
>
>FRANCINE: All right! They stopped talking in unison! You guys can stay
>after all! Thanks Speedy! (she gave him a quick hug)
>
JESSE: I am *so* jealous right now.
>SPEEDY: Hey. No problem.
>
>7:00PM
>
>NARRIATOR: The pizza shop closed just an half hour ago and our four
>favorite cats headed out for a night on the town.
>
>GUIDO: Gee honey. It was nice of you to invite us.
>
LUCILLE: Wow! It's a double date!
>POLLY: You think I would actually want to spend the evening alone with
>Speedy? You should know me better then that lov'. (Speedy's ears lowered)
>
GUIDO:[story self] That's why we're amazed that you invited us.
>FRANCINE: That was mean Polly. Espically in front of Speedy.
>
>POLLY: I'm sorry. (she walked up to Speedy and put her hand on his
>shoulder) Fran is right. That was really mean of me.
>
>SPEEDY: Huh? (he snapped out of his daze) Oh yea. Apology accepted. Our
>reservations are at 7:15. We better hurry.
>
>7:30PM
>
JESSE: Oops. You missed it.
>NARRIATOR: Boy is this resturaunt ever fancy. I mean how many resturaunts
>have dancing and is all lit up by candle light. Some slow music is playing
>in the background.
>
[Everyone picks up a musical instrument and begins playing the opening to
"The Blue Danube" in a barely recognizable fashion. LUCILLE and JESSE have
violins, SPEEDY has a trumpet, GUIDO a trombone, and POLLY a flute. Music
stops after a few seconds.]
>GUIDO: Speedy? (he waved his hand in front of his face) Hello? Is anyone
>home in there?
>
>SPEEDY:
JESSE:[Speedy] No less than usual.
> Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking about something.
>
>FRANCINE: For 30 minutes?
>
>SPEEDY: Yea.
>
>POLLY: Gosh I hate fancy resturaunts, It makes ours look so..so...
>
>GUIDO: Small and boring?
>
GUIDO:[story self] By the way, Speedy, what were you thinking about that
made us late?
>POLLY: Yea. Small and boring. Thanks sweety.
>
>FRANCINE: Come on. Our resturaunt isn't that bad. (she pulled out a
>calculator) We made over 1500 dollars more in profit this year then the
>past 2 years combined!
>
>SPEEDY: Thank you for that information. If that is so, why are we getting
>cheated on our pay?
>
>FRANCINE:
JESSE:[Francine] Hey, what I pay you is standard at the American places.
> Someone has to pay the writers.
>
>GUIDO: With writers like this one, they deserve to be taken out and be shot
>not payed. (he started to laugh)
>
>POLLY: That wasn't funny.
>
GUIDO: Yeah. This is a pretty good story.
>GUIDO: Huh? Since when did you like the writers tweety bird?
>
>POLLY: I don't. Shooting them is to small of a punishment. They deserved to
>be hit by my heart bombs and slain by my dagger. (there dinner arrived and
>Polly had ordered the stake)
>
JESSE: Oak or some other wood?
>SPEEDY: Yea. That would be great to see. (she took out her dagger, since
>they were in their fighting uniforms, and stabbed the steak)
>
GUIDO: Beef. It's what's for dinner.
>POLLY: Care for a demo? (Guido was cracking up big time)
>
JESSE: Another time, perhaps.
[LUCILLE smacks JESSE in the head again.]
JESSE: What? I was talking about the dagger!
>FRANCINE: No thanks. I want to enjoy this meal without watching you
>terroize your food. So childish. (Speedy was even laughing)
>
>POLLY: I'm kidding Fran. Hey! I cheered Speedy up so now do you think it is
>still childish? (she picked up her dagger and it wouldn't come out so she
>started waving it back and forth)
>
JESSE: Tic.
SPEEDY: Toc.
JESSE: Tic.
SPEEDY: Toc.
JESSE: Tic...
POLLY: Stop that. I am not a metronome.
>FRANCINE: Yes. What are you doing if you don't mind me asking? (they were
>all watching her with her dinner stuck to her dagger)
>
LUCILLE: Hey, Guido looks hypnotized!
>POLLY: Trying to get my dagger out of this darn stake! (the dagger came out
>but her dinner went flying and hit another coustomer in the head)Uh-oh.
>
JESSE:[picks up violin] Follow my lead, quicktime! [begins playing fast part
of "Blue Danube". The others follow. The music stops when GUIDO's plate
lands.]
>GUIDO: Nice job honey lamb. (he started cracking up again and his arm hit
>his dinner plate and his dinner went flying) Opps. (Francine shook her head
>in dissapointment and the manager walked up to them, Speedy was laughing
>too)
>
>MANAGER: I need to ask you guys to leave. You have caused a big commotion
>in here. (Guido, Polly, and Speedy were trying not to laugh but ended up
>laughing anyway)
>
>FRANCINE: I'm sorry about my friends. (she pulled out a 100 dollar bill)
LUCILLE:[leans over to JESSE] It was in her sleeve.
JESSE: Ah. OK.
>
> I hope that covers it even
>though this dinner was supoosed to be free.
>
POLLY: Well, for two, anyway.
>MANAGER: Just out of curiosity mam. How old are they?
>
>FRANCINE: 18 going on 3.
>
>MANAGER: Boy do they need dicapline. I know a good day care center.
>
>FRANCINE: I can't do that to them.
LUCILLE:[Francine] All the others threw them out. I'd rather not have
another do the same. It's really embarassing when that happens.
> It just
>wouldn't be the same without them around.
>
>9:00PM
>
>NARRIATOR: Our favorite heros just got done getting yelled at by Francine
>for an hour and she finaly calmed down.
>
>FRANCINE: Gosh. You out of all people Polly.
>
>POLLY: I was just trying to cheer Speedy up. (she was still laughing a
>little bit)
>
JESSE: It seemed to work for everybody.
>GUIDO: Yea! I hit my plate by accident! I sware!
GUIDO: Hey! I have a Southern accent!
>
>SPEEDY: I'm tired you guys.
JESSE: As in "I'm tired *of* you guys", perhaps?
SPEEDY: No, I was just tired.
> I'm going to bed. You
>all should be doing the same thing.
>
>FRANCINE: We will continue disscusing this in the mourning. (she and Speedy
>headed towards their rooms)
>
>GUIDO: She means she will continue yelling at us all day tommorow.
>
>POLLY: Is that ever true.
JESSE: Is it?
GUIDO: It is.
> Well, goodnight surgar.
>
>GUIDO: Goodnight. Just between you and me, lets say we kill Speedy and
>Lucieal tommorow for ever making this bet with us.
POLLY and GUIDO: We kill Speedy and Lucille tomorrow for ever making this
bet with us.
>
>POLLY: Sounds like a plan.
>
LUCILLE: Yes it does.
>Back to !
JESSE: Da-dah!
POLLY: Let's see what the royalty's up to.
SPEEDY: And his High Cheesiness, too!
[All exit theater through double doors]
[Lobby. JESSE is dressed as Emeril Lagasse. POLLY and LUCILLE have nice
hostess outfits on. FRED, VIOLET and SEYMORE are seated at a table]
JESSE:[Emeril] Lovely salads, aren't they? I made them myself. It's all
fresh, right down to the tomatoes.
POLLY: Our main course tonight is porterhouse steak, cooked to order, with
baked potato and wild rice.
LUCILLE: We have Speedy and Guido working seperately on all three meals in
case one of them messes up.
JESSE:[Emeril] And I'm doing an extra set in case *both* of them do it
wrong.
[SPEEDY comes in screen left with a tray and sets it down on a folding tray
stand]
SPEEDY: Dinner is served. Stakes with potato and rice.
JESSE:[Emeril; looks at plate. To SPEEDY.] These are tent stakes, my
friend. Get these outta here and find these people some *real* food! [To
"guests"] Sorry about that. There's why we have two other attempts on the
way.[SPEEDY exits screen left.]
[GUIDO enters screen right with *his* tray of platters and a stand]
GUIDO: Here you are! Stakes with rice and potatoes.
JESSE:[Emeril; picks up a partly burned stake] What is this?
GUIDO: Char-boriled.
JESSE:[Emeril] What kind of wood?
GUIDO: Maple.
JESSE:[Emeril; smacks GUIDO on the head with the stake] Ah, get outta here,
ya mook. And take this stuff with you. Oh, and if you see that buddy of
yours, tell him I got this handled.[GUIDO exits stage right; JESSE goes
left.]
LUCILLE: We're very sorry.
POLLY Very sorry indeed.
[JESSE returns with a tray of steaming food for FRED, VIOLET and SEYMORE]
JESSE:[Emeril] Here you go, folks. The porterhouse steaks at last. Well
done for His Majesty. [sets a plate down in front of FRED]
FRED: Fred Fred FRED!
JESSE:[Emeril] Medium-well for our lovely Princess Vi. [sets a plate down in
front of VIOLET]
VIOLET: Now, here's a man with taste!
JESSE:[Emeril; to SEYMORE] And finally, you, sir. You wanted yours rare,
correct?
SEYMORE: No! I would never order it like that!
JESSE:[Emeril] Yeah. Just kidding. Here you go. Medium, just like you
asked. [sets last plate down]
SEYMORE: Thank you.
VIOLET: This is really good. Thank you, kind sir!
JESSE:[Emeril] Not a problem! [Steps around table to be in the center of the
shot] Well, that wraps things up here. And because we had so much chaos
here, I'll be taking my guests to the Starlight Rainbow Arcade and Malt Shop
for dessert, on me! We'll see you later, everybody! [points out to
audience]
[cut to malt shop dance floor with GUIDO on a karoke machine at one end,
apparently getting ready to sing. His song is "Ooby Dooby" as perfromed by
Roy Orbison]
{{CREDITS}}
[GUIDO singing "Ooby Dooby"]
Samurai Pizza Cats: "A Day in the Life of the Pizza Cats"
Written by Claudia Nimmich
"Produced by Tatsunoko Studios"
"Dubbed by Saban"
Voices:
Sonja Ball as POLLY
Susan Glover as LUCILLE
Rick Jones as SPEEDY
Pauline Little as FRANCINE
Terrence Seammell as GUIDO and NARRATOR
Short: New Wave Services
Specifics unknown
[POLLY and SPEEDY dacne to tune above]
COMMERCIALS
Gateway commercial with Ted Waitt and the cow copyright Gateway Computers,
Inc.
SURVIVOR: AFRICA promotion copyright CBS Television.
ENTERPRIZE promotion copyright Paramout Television. (Great spinoff, guys!
T'Pol rules!)
Windows XP copyright and trademark Microsoft
TELEVISION and BOOK references
Babylon Five copyright Warner Bros. Television Entertainment.
Star Trek copyright Paramount Television.
Emeril Lagasse's cooking programs copyright Mr. Lagasse and Food Network.
LEXX characters (Stanley Tweedle) copyright Sci-Fi Channel.
Beavis and Butthead copyright MTV. (And MTV can have `em, too.)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and characters copyright Best Brains, Inc. and
Sci-Fi Network.
Samurai Pizza Cats copyright Tatsunoko Studios and Saban.
The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
[JESSE dances with LUCILLE and VIOLET]
MUSIC
The music of Brave Combo produced and performed by Brave Combo.
"Mr. White Keys" performed by Cherry Popin' Daddies
"The Blue Danube" composed by Johann Strauss
"Ooby Dooby" performed by Roy Orbison
{J. Michael Shearer's Theater} Credits
"J. Michael Shearer's Theater" not specifically copyrighted, but Jesse
Shearer wants it anyway.
Mystery Science Theater concept by Best Brains, Incorporated.
Samurai Pizza Cats copyright Tatsunoko Studios and Saban.
Voices for JMST:
Jesse Shearer as JESSE (himself)
Sonja Ball as POLLY
Susan Glover as LUCILLE and VIOLET
Dean Hagopian as SEYMORE
Rick Jones as SPEEDY
and Terrence Seammell as GUIDO and FRED
[Dance floor shown from above]
Special Thanks:
Claudia Nimmich for allowing me to MiST this story and also for generously
offering to host this MiSTing on her site. Web page at
www.edoropolis.org/spcpolly/page1.html
Web Site Number Nine at www.masemware.com/mst3k and Dr. Michael Neylon for
archiving MiSTings from all over the Internet.
[Final chords of song. LUCILLE hugs JESSE, who gets a goofy look on his
face]
Stringer:
>POLLY: Trying to get my dagger out of this darn stake! (the dagger came out
>but her dinner went flying and hit another coustomer in the head)Uh-oh.
>
>GUIDO: Nice job honey lamb. (he started cracking up again and his arm hit
>his dinner plate and his dinner went flying) Opps. (Francine shook her head
>in dissapointment and the manager walked up to them, Speedy was laughing
>too)
>
>MANAGER: I need to ask you guys to leave. You have caused a big commotion
>in here. (Guido, Polly, and Speedy were trying not to laugh but ended up
>laughing anyway)