The Birds

Chapter 6: The more you know, the more what you know is wrong.

(< and > denote thoughts instead of dialog)

Polly: "Enjoy, thanks for coming."

The llama took his pizza and left the counter and went to find a seat.  Polly watched him go and,
out of the corner of her eye, saw the grey kitten watching her again.  She looked his way quick
and his eyes snapped down onto his coloring.  He'd been sitting there at the counter coloring for
about twenty minutes, just like he did all the previous day.

Polly: <Whatever it is, I'm finding out right now.>

She walked over to him, sat down on a stool behind the counter, folded her arms on the counter
and put her head on them so she could look at him at eye level.  Not that it did much good
because the kitten kept his eyes rigidly fixed on the paper, trying as hard as he could to make it
look like he didn't know she was there, and failing miserably.  After a while, Polly tapped him on
the shoulder.  He ignored it.  She tapped him again and he was finally forced to acknowledge her
presence.

Polly: "Hello."

Kitten: "Hi."

Polly: "I'm Polly."

Kitten: "Hi.  My name's Tommy."

Polly: "Do your mommy and daddy know that you've been coming over here?"

Tommy: "Uh uh."

Polly: "Well, where are your mommy and daddy?"

Tommy: "Nowhere."

Polly: "Come on, where are they?"

Tommy: "Nowhere.  I don't have any."

Polly: "You don't have any?  Then who do you live with?"

Tommy: "I (Bob White walks out of the kitchen and sees them) live with W. . ."

Bob:(alarmed)  "TOMMY!!!"

Tommy stops what he'd been saying.  Bob walks over.

Bob:(uncomfortable) "Hi Tommy . . . What are you doing here?"

Tommy: "Coloring."

Bob: "Coloring . . . Of course you are, why wouldn't you be?  Polly, I see you've met Tommy."

Polly: (eyeing him strangely) "Yes, we've met.  You know him?"

Bob: "Know him, oh yes, I know him."

Polly: "Who does he live with?"

Bob: "Live with . . . He lives with me."

Polly: "You?!?  You never mentioned this before Bob."

Tommy: "But his name's . . ."

Bob: "Bob, right Tommy, Bob.  And Bob, Lewis, and Tommy all live together right?"

Tommy: "Um . . . Ya, I live with Bob. . . and Lewis too.  I live with Lewis too."

Polly: "Why didn't you mention this yesterday?"

Bob: "Yesterday . . . Well yesterday you and Lucille seemed to be having such fun with it that I
didn't want to ruin it, and I didn't think that Tommy had come down to the parlor anyway."

Polly:(not quite buying this) "Really, didn't occur to you?"

Bob: "Not for a moment."

Polly would have continued this, but the phone rang.

Polly: "Hello, Samurai Pizza Cats, your pizza's in the oven."

She listened for a moment, then got an overjoyed expression on her face.

Polly: "Bob, can you an Lewis handle the parlor?"

Bob: "Sure, the convention ended last night.  Why?"

Polly ducked her head into the kitchen.

Polly: "Come on Speedy!  Good Bird called!  Francine woke up!"

Francine: "Are you sure that Guido is going to be OK?"

Francine looked over at the bed next to hers, which was hard due to the casts, where Guido still
lay unconscious.

Carla: "The doctor said that he'll be fine.  He won't wake up until his body has healed quite a bit,
but he's not in a coma or anything."

Good Bird (GB): "Are you sure you're OK?"

Francine: "I feel fine." (She lied.  There wasn't an inch of her that didn't ache.)

GB: "You're lying Francine.  I can tell that there isn't an inch of you that doesn't ache."

Francine: "How would you know!?"

GB: "Remember the Sunblock 16 robot? When Speedy blew it up I reentered the atmosphere
without the aid of a heat shield, and before that I had to contend with the vacuum of space.  I've
gotten blown up more times than the Thanksgiving day parade balloons, which includes Speedy
hitting me with the Cat's Eye Slash on over a dozen different occasions.  And once, when I went
diving in the ocean, I got the bends.  Believe me, I know pain."

Francine: "I didn't know you scuba dove."

Carla: "When did you go Scuba diving?"

GB: "Scuba is mandatory basic training for all Ninja Crows.  And it plays . . . another role in
testing to achieve my old rank."

Francine: "What role is that?"

GB: "I would prefer not to talk about that."

Francine: "Why?"

GB: "It is a very unpleasant memory."

Carla:(concerned) "Birdie, what are you talking about?"

GB:(pained) "Carla, please, never ask me about what I did when I was a Ninja Crow."

Carla:(even more concerned) "Alright Birdie."

Francine:(puzzled) "But Good Bird, the others never said you did anything that I thought was that
bad."

GB:(with a false smile) "Just for example, have you ever seen a four inch scar on Lucille's back?"

Francine: "Yes, when we she's had a bathing suit on I've seen it."

GB:(eyes downcast) "Me with a whip in a subway tunnel."

Francine: "What are . . .(she realizes just what Good Bird is saying) . . . Oh."

This put such a damper on things that it was much to everyone's relief when Polly and Speedy
walked in.

Polly: "Hi Francine."

Speedy: "Are you feeling any better?"

Francine: "Why does everyone keep asking me that?  I'm fine."

Polly: "Good.  So how do yo . . ."

Francine: "Wait a second!"

Polly stops and Francine looks around the room.

Francine:(annoyed) "If you are all here, who is running pizza parlor?"

Speedy: "Don't worry, the new guy's have got it covered."

Francine:(tense) "New guys?!?  What new guys?"

Speedy: "Their names are Lew . . ."

Francine: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE HIRED NEW GUYS?!!!!!"

Speedy: "AAA!!!"

Francine:(frantic) "Who are they?  How much experience do they have?  Have they ever even
worked in a pizza parlor?  HOW MUCH ARE YOU PAYING THEM?!!!!"

Polly: "Calm down Francine, it's alright"

Francine: "What do you mean it's alright?!!!  I could have a bunch of incompetents running my
business.  They could be losing me customers, not to mention money, by the minute.  Why should
I be calm?"

Doctor Kats came through the door and over to the bed.

Carla: "Doctor, what are you doing he . . ."

Doctor Kats: "Nurse Hillary came and got me when she heard the shouting.  Miss Manx, you
have to calm down."

Francine: "I AM NOT GOING TO CALM DOWN!!!  WHY SHOULD I CALM DOWN WHEN
THESE IDIOTS DECIDED THAT . . . that . . . that . . . (spacey) that feels really good!"

Doctor Kats took his hand off of the flow control valve of the morphine IV.

Doctor Kats: "Yes, it does.  This should help you relax a little."

Francine:(spacey) "Okaly Dokaly!"

Polly: "Francine . . . Are you alright?"

Francine:(spacey, no let's face it, stoned out of her gourd) "Oh yaaaaa!"

Polly: "Good . . .I think."

Doctor Kats: "She's fine, having the time of her life."

Francine: "Look at all the pretty colors."

They were, of course, in a stark white hospital room.

Big Al: "I don't see any colors."

He walked in the door with a police officer and looked at Francine, who was concentrating
intently on her hand.

Big Al: "Is she . . . alright?"

Doctor Kats: "Just a little morphine Mr. Dente."

Big Al: "Oh." <yeeesh>

Doctor Kats leaves the room.

GB: "So Al, did you find out anything?"

Big Al: "Yes in fact.  I checked out what Francine told us earlier and . . ."

Francine:(still higher than a kite) "Oh ya!  That reminds me.  Thanks Speedy."

Speedy:(puzzled) "Thanks???  For what?"

Francine: "Why for saving me silly.  You and Good Bird came and saved me from the bad black
things."

Speedy:(more puzzled) "Saved you???  I didn't save you, I wasn't even there."

Francine:(rolling her head limply) "Of course you were there, you even did the Cat's Eye Slash. . .
. Good Bird was there too, with a bazooka, but I thanked him already (Francine laughs) Your
name sure sounds funny Good Bird . . . Good Bird . . . Goober!"

Francine, doped up beyond imagination, finds this very amusing and begins to laugh.

Speedy: "Good Bird, what is she talking about?"

Big Al: "When Francine first woke up she thanked Good Bird for saving her.  When I questioned
her about it she described you and Good Bird saving her and I thought she must be delirious.
However, an eyewitness came forward."

GB: "An eyewitness!!!  Could he describe the attackers?"

Big Al: "He couldn't see the attackers."

Polly: "But you said he was an eyewitness?"

Big Al: "I know what I said.  He saw it out of his second story window and he saw everything.
He saw Francine thrown against the wall, he saw Guido receive his wounds.  He saw Guido jump
in front of Francine as if to protect her from something, but he did not see anyone attacking
them."

Speedy: "That doesn't make any sense.  He must be making it up."

Big Al: "That's what I thought, but then he said a crow and a cat armored in white arrived on the
scene.  The crow used a bazooka and the cat, as he put it, made a big, swirling, pink cloud then
let loose some kind of blast that blew the hell out of everything.  This confirms what Francine told
us, so he must be telling the truth."

Speedy: "Great, it wasn't enough that the new Ninja Crows are super powerful, now they're
invisible too."

Big Al: "It's not all bad though, it also tells us that somebody out there knows what's going on,
they are probably on our side, and whoever they are they are formidable."

Polly: "But how do we find them?"

Big Al: "I don't know.  I've exhausted all the resources I have."

At this point the police officer spoke up.

Officer: "No, ye haven't exhausted em all yet."

Big Al: "What do you mean I haven't?  I've gone through everything the police department can
do and none of it worked."

Officer: "Suren that's true, but one of the problems with the police department has always been
that it is part o normal society and the crime is on the underworld side o society."

Big Al: "So what's your point O'Grady?"

O'Grady: "Well, mightn I suggest we get someon to elp that's not totally unacquainted with the
underworld?"

Big Al considers for a minute, realizes what Officer O'Grady is proposing, and then gets a dark
look on his face.

Big Al: "No!"

O'Grady: "He's one o the best men the department ever had sir.  And he knows the city's
underbelly like the back o his hand."

Big Al: "The answer is no!"

Polly: "Excuse me, but who are you?"

Officer O'Grady paused for a moment, then took off his hat and extended his hand.

O'Grady: "Beggin yer pardon miss.  My name is Officer Thomas O'Grady, originally of the
Dublin, now of the Little Tokyo police department."

Big Al: "He was part of an officer exchange program about three years back.  He decided to stay
after he met his wife here and settled down.  Also, he knows all about the Pizza Cats and my role
as your commander.  In the event that anything should happen to me, he is also the one who will
take over in my absence."

O'Grady: "Suren I hope it never comes to that though."

Polly: "Fine, now who are you two talking about."

Big Al: "It doesn't matter, we're not asking him for help."

O'Grady: "As matters stand he's our only choice sir."

Big Al: "No."

Polly: "Big Al, I can tell you don't like this guy, but if he can help us find out who did this to
Francine and Guido, or find someone who can help, then we should go to him."

Big Al: "Well . . . I'm not going to put up with any snide comments from him."

Speedy: "WHO IS THIS GUY?!!!"

Big Al:(heaves a sigh) "His name is . . ."

Little Tokyo, a city just like every other city.  That is if every city were occasionally overrun by
giant robots, was almost struck by comets, and was the capitol of a country ruled by an emperor
who thinks that he is a scat singer and his pain in the ass daughter.  A seamy underbelly stretched
across this city and stank up every rat hole and geisha house in the whole burg.  It was his kind of
town.  He picked up a packet of cigarettes, put one to his lips, lit it, then let it hang there on the
corner of his mouth.  Disgusting habit, he had always thought so.  Probably would of already
taken ten years off of his life given normal circumstances.  Of course, staying alive wasn't
something that he was ever concerned with.  He sat back in his chair and put his feet up on the
desk.  He tipped his hat over his eyes, balancing it with his long, white ears, took a swig out of the
bottle, then settled back to get some rest.  He was just about ready to fall asleep, when she
walked in.  Quite a dame this one.  The sort of cat that every teenage boy pines for.  Red hair,
pink fur, blue eyes, and a full set of curves.  She had the kind of body that made men crash their
cars into telephone poles when they saw her pass by.  From the moment she walked in he knew
what she wanted.  He could see it in her eyes.  He could always tell.  The way she stood, the way
she moved, the way she looked at him.  Yes, he knew what she needed and he knew exactly how
to give it to her.

The man behind the desk: "The bathroom is two doors down honey."

Model: "Thank you sir."

Damn modeling school students from upstairs.  Every one of em such a ditz that they couldn't
even remember where the bathroom was if there wasn't a sign on the door.  Every day the same
thing.  "Where's the bathroom?"  Two doors down.  "I can't find the bathroom." Two doors
down.  "I need to use the bathroom."  You want a prize?  Two doors down.  It was enough to
make a grown rabbit, which he was, cry.  That is if he ever cried, which he didn't.  He wasn't the
type that cried.  Some men were the caring, sensitive types who were in touch with their "inner
child" and their "feminine side" and all that other psychoanalyst bull.  He was defiantly not that.
Of course, not all the modeling school students were ditzes.  He'd met a couple who actually had
pretty good heads, and pretty good legs to go with em.  They had the kind of legs that turn a mini
skirt into a deadly weapon.  Of course, he wasn't the type that a lady like that deserved.  Girls
with brains deserved steady guys.  He was nothing but trouble wherever he went, and he knew it.
He liked it that way.  Then the door opened, and a familiar face walked in.  It was the face of a
valued friend, and he didn't have many of those.

The man: "Well, if it isn't Officer Thomas O'Grady."

Big Al Dente walked in after him.

The man: "And I see you brought the Palace Pooch with you."

Big Al begins to walk across the room.  The man snaps his fingers and, out of nowhere, a massive
elephant rushes out into the middle of the floor and stands, towering with arms crossed, over Al
Dente, blocking his path.

Big Al: "Why hello Hassan.  I see you still run around with this character."

The man: "Be nice to Hassan, he's always liked you (Hassan makes some movements with his
hands.) See, he says so."

Big Al:(makes some signs with his hands) "I know Scranton, I like him too.  I consider Hassan a
friend . . . It's you I don't like."

Scranton: "Oooh!  Princess Vi's lapdog doesn't like me.  Whatever shall I do?"

Big Al: "Don't start with me Scranton."

Scranton took his feet down, folded his hands and put his elbows on the top of his desk.

Scranton: "Now now Big Al, we mustn't be a rude, raunchy, rover."

Big Al: "I said don't start with me Scranton!"

Scranton: "Who's starting things?  Geez, mellow mutt."

Big Al starts to growl at Scranton.

Scranton: "What's the matter, did someone catch you marking territory in the palace?"

Big Al:(through clenched teeth) "Cut it out Scranton."

O'Grady: "Yes, that's enough now Mack."

Mack: "Aww, but the dumb dog reacts so nicely to it."

Big Al: "grrrrrrrrr"

O'Grady: "Calm yerself Big Al.  Don't lose yer head over it."

Big Al:(glaring at Mack) "We came here because we would like your help.  You going to
cooperate or not?"

Mack: "Really?  Simple Schnauzer needs the help of a humble detective.  The old bloodhound lost
his sent and he needs me to find it.  Sure, I'm game, but first, I believe that I must introduce
myself to your friends."

He gets out of his chair, walks around the desk, and up to where Speedy, Polly, and Good Bird
are standing.  He takes Speedy's hand and shakes it.

Mack: "You would be Speedy Cerviche, pizza delivery boy, devoted husband, and fanatic about
personal hygiene.  You also are the master of the magical Ginzu Sword. (Speedy's face goes
white) Of course, I'm not supposed to know that you are a Samurai Pizza Cat. (He next takes
Polly's hand) And you, are the lovely Mrs. Polly Esther Cerviche, loving wife and (kisses her
hand) beautiful woman. (Next to Good Bird) Good Bird, formerly Bad Bird, son of Dirty Bird.  A
former Ninja Crow who attained a rank second only to master Jerry Atrick, just like your father.
An honor (he bows).  I, am Mackenzi Horowitz Scranton, known to all, as Mack Scranton."

Speedy:(shocked by what this guy knows) "Hi."

Polly: (blushing) "Hello."

Good Bird said nothing.

Mack: "Now, you want me to help solve the mysteries behind what happened to your two friends,
the other Pizza Cats.  Am I right, or am I not Mack Scranton, which I am?"

Big Al: "That's right. (He pulls out a file folder) We have all the information in this file."

He hands the file across the desk to Mack, who holds it for a moment, then tosses it into the
wastepaper basket.

Mack: "Worthless."

Big Al: "That file contains everything we know."

Mack: "And it's about half of what I know, if you were lucky.  But you know that don't you, you
mongrel?"

Before Big Al can react, Scranton continues.

Mack: "Two nights ago Francine Manx and Guido Anchovy were brutally assaulted while on their
way home from the bank.  They sustained wounds too numerous to count dealt in the style of
Ninja Crows.  Ninja Crows were ruled out when it was found that nothing was stolen.  Current
theory is a "New" group of super Ninja Crows, which is of course totally wrong.  You getting this
Al?  There were also two "New" heroes who saved the two victims, one of which preformed a feat
much similar to the Cat's Eye Slash.  The only eyewitness could not see the attackers, it is
therefore thought that they are invisible which, while conceivable, is not likely.  The questions you
seek to answer are "Who are the attackers, who are the heroes, and how can we find them?"  The
answers to these questions are one, it doesn't matter two, it really doesn't matter and three, me.  How am I
doing so far not-so-great dane?"

Big Al Dente gritted his teeth and glared at Mack.

Big Al: "How would you know that it isn't a new group of Ninja Crows?"

Mack: "Elementary my dear Dachshund.  Because I am Mack Scranton and you are not.  The
attackers were better than normal Ninja Crows.  To have been better than normal Ninja Crows,
and be new, they would have needed to learn everything that a Ninja Crow spends half their life
learning, plus more, in little more than a year.  Improbable at best.  To be better than the normal
Ninja Crows they must be at least as old as the normal Ninja Crows IF NOT OLDER.  This is the
only way they could have learned to be so much more formidable than normal Ninja Crows.
What this means is that in all likelihood the Ninja Crows that we know, know the Ninja Crows we
are looking for.  (Good Bird begins to interrupt, but Mack cuts him off.) Except, that our Mr.
Good Bird, last night at the hospital, testified to us, or to you, that the Ninja Crow honor system
could not allow this.  What this means is that the persons we are looking for are persons trained
as Ninja Crows, but operating in some other circle of the underworld.  That circle, is what we
need to find.  "Who can lead us to it?" Is the question we must ask.  The answer to that question,
is someone that has connections in both the Flying Skull Clan, and other sections of the
underworld.  There is only one person who fits these criteria.  I know where this person is.  And
that is why you came to me for help doggie boy."

Big Al Dente glared at Mack.

Big Al: "How do we know you're right about all of this?"

Mack: "What are you kidding?  You're talking to Mack Scranton, Private Eye.  You know what
that means better than anyone, though you won't admit it."

Big AL: "So, will you take us to this person?"

Mack: "You are Princess Vi's lapdog."

Big Al: "WHAT!!!"

Mack: "Say it.  You are Princess Vi's lapdog.  Then I will take you."

Big Al: "Why you . . ."

Mack: "Say it! . . . Now!"

Big Al Dente took a long, deep breath.

Big Al:(quietly) "I am Princess Vi's lapdog."

Mack: "Louder."

Big Al:(louder) "I am Princess Vi's lapdog."

Mack: "I can't hear you."

Big Al: "I AM PRINCESS VIOLET'S LAP DOG!!!"

Mack: "Much better.  Hassan, would you please pull the car around?  Al Dente, Pizza Cats,
Thomas, I hope you like the theater."